“naive. ”

July 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 June 2015 January 2016 May 2016 August 2016 September 2016 November 2016 January 2017 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 January 2019 February 2019 April 2020 May 2020 December 2022 August 2023


don't know why i have been hurting so much, don't know why it hurts when i breathe. i cry every night, wondering to myself " why do i still live?" . asking myself questions like " am i even needed?" . i forgot the purpose of my very existence. was i born to make people laugh and smile? or was i born to help people learn to never be someone like me? or did God just dropped me from the sky, not having any purpose for me? i was a happy kid, yes i was. i was smiling and laughing no matter what happened. after everything was over, i overcame my darkness and saw light in that everlasting tunnel.
little did i know that for every happy ending, there's a plot twist in the end. the darkness covers you up with your own anxiety, your own fears and your own sadness. the only thing you can do is to sit there and cry alone, not knowing what to do because no one understands. you try to say it out but words can no longer explain what it feels like inside. the fear of not being needed or wanted. the jealously of not being recognized. the sadness of not being remembered. i was afraid of being hated by everything and everyone. i was afraid of it happening, but it already did.

i fear people.

as much as i love my friends, i can never bring myself to speak up to someone new and being friends with em. i dislike having to make a conversation that will only destroy me. as i write this down, i tell myself that words can never fully describe how i feel because its so much more than this. its slowly tearing my heart apart, and one day i'll break. and when that day comes, finally, no one will remember me.